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Iran's Nuclear Program

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Iran's Nuclear Program

Iran faces an Oct. 31 U.N. deadline to prove that it has no secret atomic-weapons program. What do you think?
  • "If armageddon devices of biblical proportion don't belong in the hands of fundamentalist religious extremists, where do they belong?"

    Matt Donnelly Editor
  • "A standoff over nuclear weapons? Fun! My father told me about those!"

    Steve Buck Cashier
  • "We have bigger things to worry about in the Mideast than nuclear weapons."

    Bob Wiltfong Revenue Agent
  • "If Iran breaks the deadline, they'll be in direct conflict with the U.N., which is a really big deal if you're not America."

    Jessica Allen Systems Analyst
  • "I know how Iran feels! Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines! Ack!"

    Rachel Biello Paralegal
  • "Everyone always says Halloween is going to be scary, but when the International Atomic Energy Agency says it, you can believe it."

    Kurt Braunholer Parking Attendant

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