Iran's Nuclear Program

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Vol 39 Issue 38

Satan Depressed All Weekend After Man Opts Out Of Casino Trip

UNCASVILLE, CT—Satan, The Father Of Lies, suffered a dispiriting blow Saturday, when potential sinner Jeffrey Kremer chose to forgo a soul-polluting trip to the Mohegan Sun Resort Casino, The Prince Of Darkness said Monday. "I had hoped that the allure of the bright lights and the promise of instant wealth would tempt Kremer into the mortal sin of avarice," a despondent Lucifer said. "Alas, he told his friends that he felt like spending the day hanging out around the house, instead of joining them at the casino. Curses!" Satan said he hopes that Kremer will at least watch softcore pornography on cable before the week is over.

Frustrated Sycophant Can't Figure Out What Boss Wants To Hear

HOUSTON, TX—Associate vice-president Barry Ackerman has been struggling to determine exactly what West Texas Bank CEO William J. Holloway wants to hear, the shameless toady said Monday. "I thought for sure he'd be against Proposition 13, because it allows home-equity lines of credit," said the bootlicking Ackerman. "But when I started slamming it, he told me he supported giving the public greater spending power. I just can't read him." To repair any damage his comment may have done, Ackerman sent Holloway two tickets to The Producers.

Plan To Live In Storage Facility Voiced

LOUISVILLE, KY—Just Sunglasses employee Eric Thorp intrigued coworkers Monday with his ingenious plan to live in a storage-facility unit. "The rent would be, like, 50 bucks a month," Thorp said. "Those things are totally heated in the winter, you know. For another $50, I could join a gym, and shower there." Coworkers could find no significant downside to Thorp's idea, which no one in the world had ever thought of before.

Regular Citizen Heroically Enforces Park's 'No Glass Containers' Rule

LINCOLN, NE—Courageous citizen Gail Wendell went above and beyond the call of civilian duty when she enforced Irvingdale Park's "no glass containers" rule Tuesday. "Excuse me, that bottle is not allowed in this park," said Wendell to Rich Cavanaugh, who was drinking a Snapple. "Read the signs." Wendell last intervened for the common good Monday, when she glared at a Target shopper who failed to use the cart corral.

Schwarzenegger Running Out Of Movie-Related Campaign Slogans

LOS ANGELES—Two months after he announced his candidacy for the California gubernatorial recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger is running out of movie-related campaign quips. "Government and special-interest groups should not be 'Twins,'" the actor said during the Sept. 24 debate. At a fundraising breakfast Monday, the actor told a confused group of business leaders, "I will 'Jingle All The Way' to Sacramento!" Breakfast attendee Ken Straus said Schwarzenegger "really hit the bottom of the barrel" minutes later, when the actor announced, "In the movies, I played Hercules going bananas. But it's the tax-and-spend Democrats who are really going bananas."
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Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Iran's Nuclear Program

Iran faces an Oct. 31 U.N. deadline to prove that it has no secret atomic-weapons program. What do you think?
  • "If armageddon devices of biblical proportion don't belong in the hands of fundamentalist religious extremists, where do they belong?"

    Matt Donnelly
    Editor
  • "A standoff over nuclear weapons? Fun! My father told me about those!"

    Steve Buck
    Cashier
  • "We have bigger things to worry about in the Mideast than nuclear weapons."

    Bob Wiltfong
    Revenue Agent
  • "If Iran breaks the deadline, they'll be in direct conflict with the U.N., which is a really big deal if you're not America."

    Jessica Allen
    Systems Analyst
  • "I know how Iran feels! Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines! Ack!"

    Rachel Biello
    Paralegal
  • "Everyone always says Halloween is going to be scary, but when the International Atomic Energy Agency says it, you can believe it."

    Kurt Braunholer
    Parking Attendant
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