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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Iran's President Offers Advice

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad sent President Bush an 18-page letter of suggestions for resolving current international issues. What do you think?
  • "It's very presumptuous. We don't hear from Iran since 1979 and now we're supposed to drop everything and read an 18-page letter?"

    Vippin Vasavada Truck Driver
  • "Between his willingness to proffer helpful advice and his well-groomed beard, Ahmadinejad is fast becoming the Bob Vila of nuclear standoffs."

    Floyd Lawton EMT
  • "How quaint–nobody writes letters anymore. It is nice to see a real gentleman in charge of Iran's nuclear weapons development program."

    Bridget Mulley Donut Franchise Operator

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