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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Iraq And The Nuclear Option

Last week, President Bush said he would not rule out using nuclear weapons against enemies wielding weapons of mass destruction. What do you think?
  • "Well, that seems like a pretty sensible policy that won't have any negative longterm repercussions among nuclear-capable nations already wary of the U.S."

    Dana Klugh Homemaker
  • "It's about time we had a president who's not afraid to step up to the plate and make the biggest mistake in the history of world civilization."

    Don Swartz Systems <br>Analyst
  • "He's bluffing. Bush could never bring himself to deliberately nuke that many oil fields."

    Cris Porter Roofer
  • "That reminds me. I've got some leftover falafel I'm gonna go nuke for lunch. This is called 'displacement behavior.' It is not working."

    Carl Roberts Engineer
  • "It's like the late '80s all over again: A Bush threatening war, nuclear paranoia, me involved in a protracted legal battle over an alleged sex crime..."

    Larry Golub Gardener
  • "You know the scariest thing about this whole situation? Me, neither. It's impossible to decide."

    Denise Traylor Graduate <br>Student

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