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Iraq Hostages

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Iraq Hostages

Extremists in Iraq continue to use hostage-taking to convey their message, leaving much of the world wondering what can be done. What do you think?
  • "Why don't we make hostage-taking punishable by the death penalty? Then everyone would think twice before doing it."

    Carl Preston Systems Analyst
  • "I'll tell you, I'm about six or seven beheadings away from demanding some answers about what's going on in Iraq."

    Dave Rudd Clerk
  • "I'd like to think that if the situation were reversed, we here in Schaumburg wouldn't treat our hostages this way."

    Roger Monroe Firefighter
  • "If I ever got beheaded, I would make sure the geyser of blood would stain my captors' clothing so they'd have to throw it out. Take that, terrorists!"

    Dora Drucker Lawyer
  • "As a State Department official, let me say that bargaining with terrorists is unacceptable. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause for the hostages."

    Bea Larson Public Official
  • "We should just shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out. That's God, mind you, not Allah."

    Chet Johnson Civil Engineer

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