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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Iraq Now Longer Than WWII

The war in Iraq has now lasted longer than the U.S.'s involvement in World War II. What do you think?
  • "The Iraq war may last longer, but I guarantee you that both wars will end the same way: with the complete destruction of the Japanese."

    Helen Wright Meat Packer
  • "Hooray! Does this mean that we are now the greatest generation?"

    Leo Daives County Assessor
  • "Yes, but did we support our troops then as much as we do today?"

    Dylan Mitchell Systems Analyst
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