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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Iraq Now Longer Than WWII

The war in Iraq has now lasted longer than the U.S.'s involvement in World War II. What do you think?
  • "The Iraq war may last longer, but I guarantee you that both wars will end the same way: with the complete destruction of the Japanese."

    Helen Wright Meat Packer
  • "Hooray! Does this mean that we are now the greatest generation?"

    Leo Daives County Assessor
  • "Yes, but did we support our troops then as much as we do today?"

    Dylan Mitchell Systems Analyst

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