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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Iraq Troops Complain

Last week, troops complained to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about extended deployments and poor equipment. What do you think?
  • "The inability to leave a war zone and lack of safety are the two exact reasons I decided not to join the military."

    Joy Parks Systems Analyst
  • "I'm so confused. In times of war, should I support the troops or the president?"

    Neil Dawson Farmworker
  • "Don't they know about the military's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy on the 'when do we get to go home?' question?"

    Dustin O'Brien Fire Fighter
  • "If those troops keep griping and grousing, I don't think they're going to be named Time's Person of the Year again any time soon."

    Lewis Richards Lab Supervisor
  • "Years from now, our troops will look back at the war in Iraq and wonder why they haven't been allowed to go home yet."

    Clinton Rhodes Film Editor
  • "Man, all the troops do these days is bitch, bitch, die unnecessarily, and bitch."

    Heidi Williamson Teacher

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