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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Iraq Troops Complain

Last week, troops complained to Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld about extended deployments and poor equipment. What do you think?
  • "The inability to leave a war zone and lack of safety are the two exact reasons I decided not to join the military."

    Joy Parks Systems Analyst
  • "I'm so confused. In times of war, should I support the troops or the president?"

    Neil Dawson Farmworker
  • "Don't they know about the military's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy on the 'when do we get to go home?' question?"

    Dustin O'Brien Fire Fighter
  • "If those troops keep griping and grousing, I don't think they're going to be named Time's Person of the Year again any time soon."

    Lewis Richards Lab Supervisor
  • "Years from now, our troops will look back at the war in Iraq and wonder why they haven't been allowed to go home yet."

    Clinton Rhodes Film Editor
  • "Man, all the troops do these days is bitch, bitch, die unnecessarily, and bitch."

    Heidi Williamson Teacher

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