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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

Though the Bush Administration apologized for U.S. abuse of Iraqi prisoners, some feel the coalition's reputation has suffered irreparable damage. What do you think?
  • "They wanted to provide Iraq with a smooth transition to democracy. We couldn't just plunge them into a non-torture-based society with no time to adjust."

    Donald Stiles Systems Analyst
  • "I’m sure Bush was deeply saddened by the fact that American soldiers were stupid enough to document their acts of cruelty."

    Ricky Thomas Cartoonist
  • "Some people want to make military prisons into country clubs— instead of the S&M clubs they are now."

    Donna Amundson Dental Assistant
  • "Thank God Saddam's in jail so he can't commit atrocities like this anymore."

    Charles Wolf Revenue Agent
  • "It's not like they made a 70-year-old woman get down on all fours, then climbed on her back and called her a donkey. What? Oh, no."

    Joseph <br>Spagnolia Fabricator
  • "If we hadn’t tortured those prisoners, we could never have achieved the post-war stability Iraq is currently enjoying."

    Sheila Wooster Underwriter

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