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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Iraqi Prisoner Abuse

Though the Bush Administration apologized for U.S. abuse of Iraqi prisoners, some feel the coalition's reputation has suffered irreparable damage. What do you think?
  • "They wanted to provide Iraq with a smooth transition to democracy. We couldn't just plunge them into a non-torture-based society with no time to adjust."

    Donald Stiles Systems Analyst
  • "I’m sure Bush was deeply saddened by the fact that American soldiers were stupid enough to document their acts of cruelty."

    Ricky Thomas Cartoonist
  • "Some people want to make military prisons into country clubs— instead of the S&M clubs they are now."

    Donna Amundson Dental Assistant
  • "Thank God Saddam's in jail so he can't commit atrocities like this anymore."

    Charles Wolf Revenue Agent
  • "It's not like they made a 70-year-old woman get down on all fours, then climbed on her back and called her a donkey. What? Oh, no."

    Joseph <br>Spagnolia Fabricator
  • "If we hadn’t tortured those prisoners, we could never have achieved the post-war stability Iraq is currently enjoying."

    Sheila Wooster Underwriter

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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

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