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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Iraqis Head To Polls

Iraqi parliament elections are occurring today. What do you think?
  • "It's got to be weird to take into account qualities such as 'least flammable' when voting for a candidate."

    Jack Dutronc Sommelier
  • "Can't we just skip the middleman and have the Supreme Court choose the winner now?"

    John Halliday County Lineman
  • "It's a good thing the elections didn't happen a year or two ago—having 30,000 fewer voters will make the ballot count a lot easier."

    Francis Hardy Pilot
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