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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Iraqis Head To Polls

Iraqi parliament elections are occurring today. What do you think?
  • "It's got to be weird to take into account qualities such as 'least flammable' when voting for a candidate."

    Jack Dutronc Sommelier
  • "Can't we just skip the middleman and have the Supreme Court choose the winner now?"

    John Halliday County Lineman
  • "It's a good thing the elections didn't happen a year or two ago—having 30,000 fewer voters will make the ballot count a lot easier."

    Francis Hardy Pilot
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