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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Iron Dumped In Ocean Might Slow Global Warming

According to a study published in the journal Nature, dumping iron at sea could encourage the growth of large blooms of algae, which in turn could soak up excess carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. What do you think?

  • “Then it appears my choice to use iron to weigh down the bodies was not only practical, but environmentally sound as well. Nicely done, me.”

    Ron Upton Cable Television Technician
  • “Finally, a foolproof solution to global warming that couldn’t be misapplied in any way."

    Natalie Ciriaco Cartographer
  • “Then again, it might just make a fun splashing sound. Either way, win-win.”

    Jackson Cohen Rancher

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