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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Iron Dumped In Ocean Might Slow Global Warming

According to a study published in the journal Nature, dumping iron at sea could encourage the growth of large blooms of algae, which in turn could soak up excess carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. What do you think?

  • “Then it appears my choice to use iron to weigh down the bodies was not only practical, but environmentally sound as well. Nicely done, me.”

    Ron Upton Cable Television Technician
  • “Finally, a foolproof solution to global warming that couldn’t be misapplied in any way."

    Natalie Ciriaco Cartographer
  • “Then again, it might just make a fun splashing sound. Either way, win-win.”

    Jackson Cohen Rancher
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