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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Iron Dumped In Ocean Might Slow Global Warming

According to a study published in the journal Nature, dumping iron at sea could encourage the growth of large blooms of algae, which in turn could soak up excess carbon dioxide from the atmosphere. What do you think?

  • “Then it appears my choice to use iron to weigh down the bodies was not only practical, but environmentally sound as well. Nicely done, me.”

    Ron Upton Cable Television Technician
  • “Finally, a foolproof solution to global warming that couldn’t be misapplied in any way."

    Natalie Ciriaco Cartographer
  • “Then again, it might just make a fun splashing sound. Either way, win-win.”

    Jackson Cohen Rancher

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