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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Is Divorce Too Easy?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do you think about toughening divorce laws?
  • "Can't these fat-cat legislators in Washington figure out some way to make two people love each other?"

    Kenny Cooper Construction Worker
  • "With divorces so easy to obtain, what kind of message are we sending our children—that it's okay to not like being unhappy?"

    Adrian Pulsipher Podiatrist
  • "Before a couple gets a divorce, the least they can do is have one last baby to try to save the marriage."

    Pamela Hyland Systems Analyst
  • "Our divorce laws need to protect the real victims in all of this: the people who buy expensive wedding gifts for doomed couples. That breadmaker for the Silvermans cost me $250."

    Theodore Kolb Roofer
  • "Friend, I've been through it. And law or no law, nothing is more heartbreaking than losing that 60 percent higher tax deduction for filing jointly."

    Jon Loftus Math Teacher
  • "You mean people can still get married? That bastard lied to me!"

    Irene Abrams Pharmacist

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