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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Is Divorce Too Easy?

With the divorce rate continuing to soar, some family advocates are calling for legislation making it more difficult to dissolve a marriage. What do you think about toughening divorce laws?
  • "Can't these fat-cat legislators in Washington figure out some way to make two people love each other?"

    Kenny Cooper Construction Worker
  • "With divorces so easy to obtain, what kind of message are we sending our children—that it's okay to not like being unhappy?"

    Adrian Pulsipher Podiatrist
  • "Before a couple gets a divorce, the least they can do is have one last baby to try to save the marriage."

    Pamela Hyland Systems Analyst
  • "Our divorce laws need to protect the real victims in all of this: the people who buy expensive wedding gifts for doomed couples. That breadmaker for the Silvermans cost me $250."

    Theodore Kolb Roofer
  • "Friend, I've been through it. And law or no law, nothing is more heartbreaking than losing that 60 percent higher tax deduction for filing jointly."

    Jon Loftus Math Teacher
  • "You mean people can still get married? That bastard lied to me!"

    Irene Abrams Pharmacist
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