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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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  • More News

Is Ellen Gay?

All of America is talking about comedian Ellen DeGeneres, whose television character on ABC's Ellen may reveal herself to be a lesbian this season. What do you think?
  • "Ellen DeGeneres? More like Ellen Degenerate, if you ask me!"

    Alison Landsman Bank Manager
  • "I've suspected her character was gay ever since that episode where she ferociously ate out that secretary."

    Don Steffens Limnologist
  • "Thanks to Ellen and Melissa Etheridge, a valuable lesson has been learned: Gay people can be just as mediocre and untalented as straights."

    Kevin Byrne Receptionist
  • "I think that whatever anyone does behind closed doors is his or her own business, unless the kangaroo's bleating keeps the neighbors up at night."

    Acker Bilk Systems Analyst
  • "Everybody here at the ABC women's rugby team knows Ellen quite well, and I can assure you there's no truth to those rumors."

    Kelly Howe Groundskeeper
  • "Forget Ellen—have you heard the rumor that that guy on Martin is a colored?"

    Andy LaPointe Stockbroker
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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