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Politics

Red Roof Inn Announces New Suicidal Suite

In an effort to cater to customers who have lost the will to live, economy hotel chain Red Roof Inn officially unveiled Thursday its new Suicidal Suite available at each of their locations across the nation.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Is Europe Al-Qaeda Target?

In a new audiotape, Osama bin Laden blasted Danish newspapers for republishing cartoons featuring images of the Prophet Muhammad, and threatened action against Europeans. What do you think?
  • "When is bin Laden going to start talking about real issues, like global warming?"

    Ben Chalmers Car Stereo Installer
  • "Ah, that bin Laden guy is all talk. Sometimes."

    Amy Myer Systems Analyst
  • "It's a waste of time trying to intimidate Denmark. As long as there is one Danish person alive to put a pen to paper, there will be a poorly-rendered, silly-captioned Muhammad cartoon."

    Ed Patterson Office Supplies Salesman

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