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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Is Oral Sex Sex?

According to a recent USA Today cover story, oral sex is sharply on the rise among teenagers, many of whom do not consider it a form of sex. What do you think?
  • "That's a relief. Turns out I haven't been sexually abusing my son, after all."

    Bernie Porter Locksmith
  • "I was shocked to find that cunnilingus accounted for a full 1.3 percent of these oral-sex cases."

    Nina Hahn Occupational Therapist
  • "This is just more of the usual conservative-Christian hysteria over teenagers swallowing miles of cock."

    Roger Blauvelt Systems Analyst
  • "So is it wrong when I tell my students, 'Make love to me with your mouth'?"

    Robert Hastings Teacher
  • "These teens will believe anything the president goes on TV and says."

    Bernice Cole Medical Assistant
  • "As a teen math whiz, I can't say I've heard or seen anything about this."

    Leonard Doby Student

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