Is The Economy Turning Around?

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Is The Economy Turning Around?

The Dow recently passed 9,000 for the first time in nearly a year, raising hopes that the economy is finally poised for a turnaround. What do you think?
  • "It's turning around? Hang on, I want to mention this to the guy repossessing my couch."

    Lou Alessandro
    Truck Driver
  • "They're just playing up the economy to distract us from the war."

    Mary Bohnert
    Homemaker
  • "As a hurdler, I must warn you: Even though the economy has cleared this hurdle, there will likely be more hurdles to hurdle soon."

    Kathie Coombes
    Hurdler
  • "Ah, the economy! How my soul stirs at the thought of discussing it! Sit! Sit! 'Tis a beautiful day, and we have all afternoon!"

    Karl Edmonds
    Systems Analyst
  • "Do we have enough for another war yet? How about an Olympics? Can I get another $300?"

    Mark Adams
    Shipping Clerk
  • "And with the low interest rates, there's never been a better time to buy a home. Oh, wait–I'm fucking unemployed."

    Mike Ory
    Unemployed