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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Is The Economy Turning Around?

The Dow recently passed 9,000 for the first time in nearly a year, raising hopes that the economy is finally poised for a turnaround. What do you think?
  • "It's turning around? Hang on, I want to mention this to the guy repossessing my couch."

    Lou Alessandro Truck Driver
  • "They're just playing up the economy to distract us from the war."

    Mary Bohnert Homemaker
  • "As a hurdler, I must warn you: Even though the economy has cleared this hurdle, there will likely be more hurdles to hurdle soon."

    Kathie Coombes Hurdler
  • "Ah, the economy! How my soul stirs at the thought of discussing it! Sit! Sit! 'Tis a beautiful day, and we have all afternoon!"

    Karl Edmonds Systems Analyst
  • "Do we have enough for another war yet? How about an Olympics? Can I get another $300?"

    Mark Adams Shipping Clerk
  • "And with the low interest rates, there's never been a better time to buy a home. Oh, wait–I'm fucking unemployed."

    Mike Ory Unemployed

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