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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Is The President Above The Law?

Last week, President Clinton's Whitewater business partner was sentenced to three years in prison, while the president avoided standing trial. Days later, Attorney General Janet Reno announced she would not order an investigation of Clinton's questionable 1996 election fund-raising. Should presidents in some cases be exempt from prosecution?
  • "Presidents should be held accountable for all their actions. Except shoplifting. That's no big deal."

    Felicia Koonce Systems Analyst
  • "I still think they should have made Gerald Ford stand trial for strangling that hooker."

    Tyler Grieg Chiropractor
  • "When I was president of the River Valley Birdwatchers Club, I had free reign. I was fuckin' unstoppable."

    Ryan Sturbridge School Psychologist
  • "Clinton should go to jail for Whitewater 'cause he's a fag-lovin', pot-smokin', womanizing draft dodger. Do you ride this bus often?"

    Nevin Vance Bartender
  • "Bill Clinton is still a young man. If any of these crimes should end up on his permanent record, it may limit his options later in life."

    Donna Moreland Sculptor
  • "In a democratic society like ours, only one man is above the law. I speak, of course, of box-office action champ Steven Seagal."

    Tim Brundage Chemical Engineer

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