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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?
  • "Life on Mars? That's nothing—you should see the hideous lifeform that just fell out of my wife."

    Herb Leuchtenberg Financier
  • "As a 15th century peasant, I am frightened by this news. I must now go read Scripture by the light of a burning witch."

    Oliver Teufel Orthopedic Surgeon
  • "Perhaps now we'll find that men truly are from Mars—and that women are from Venus."

    Karyn Orosco Psychologist
  • "Earthman! You have violated the intergalactic codes of the Funk! I wanna see y'all put your hands together and get on up for the Mothership!"

    James Santos Electrician
  • "Any educated person should know a meteor in Antarctica is no proof of Martian life. It can only be the passed gallstone of Guntuska, mighty All-Father of the Skies."

    Patti Phelps Comptroller
  • "This is another sign that the end is nigh. That's as good a reason as any to pork my cousin."

    Tim Backman Systems Analyst

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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