adBlockCheck

Is There Life on Mars?

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users

How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?
  • "Life on Mars? That's nothing—you should see the hideous lifeform that just fell out of my wife."

    Herb Leuchtenberg Financier
  • "As a 15th century peasant, I am frightened by this news. I must now go read Scripture by the light of a burning witch."

    Oliver Teufel Orthopedic Surgeon
  • "Perhaps now we'll find that men truly are from Mars—and that women are from Venus."

    Karyn Orosco Psychologist
  • "Earthman! You have violated the intergalactic codes of the Funk! I wanna see y'all put your hands together and get on up for the Mothership!"

    James Santos Electrician
  • "Any educated person should know a meteor in Antarctica is no proof of Martian life. It can only be the passed gallstone of Guntuska, mighty All-Father of the Skies."

    Patti Phelps Comptroller
  • "This is another sign that the end is nigh. That's as good a reason as any to pork my cousin."

    Tim Backman Systems Analyst

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close