adBlockCheck

Recent News

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Notable Female Writers Throughout History

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.
End Of Section
  • More News

Is There Life on Mars?

NASA scientists recently discovered a Martian rock that may contain the remains of ancient life, raising the distinct possibility that we are not alone in the universe. What do you think?
  • "Life on Mars? That's nothing—you should see the hideous lifeform that just fell out of my wife."

    Herb Leuchtenberg Financier
  • "As a 15th century peasant, I am frightened by this news. I must now go read Scripture by the light of a burning witch."

    Oliver Teufel Orthopedic Surgeon
  • "Perhaps now we'll find that men truly are from Mars—and that women are from Venus."

    Karyn Orosco Psychologist
  • "Earthman! You have violated the intergalactic codes of the Funk! I wanna see y'all put your hands together and get on up for the Mothership!"

    James Santos Electrician
  • "Any educated person should know a meteor in Antarctica is no proof of Martian life. It can only be the passed gallstone of Guntuska, mighty All-Father of the Skies."

    Patti Phelps Comptroller
  • "This is another sign that the end is nigh. That's as good a reason as any to pork my cousin."

    Tim Backman Systems Analyst

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close