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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Israel Requests NATO Help

Israel surprised the international community by requesting that NATO troops be sent in to patrol the Lebanon–Israel border. What do you think?
  • "So long as no one clues in the newbie members like Estonia and Latvia that there's a NATO Do-Not-Call List, this should be doable."

    Ian McDonaugh Architect
  • "Didn't Condoleezza Rice just fly all the way to Lebanon? And the problem is still not solved?

    Steve Mott Gift Shop Cashier
  • "Well, we have to pull those troops out of Sudan immediately. You always help the least-brown people first, that's just how it works."

    Silvia Jones Ice Cream Scooper
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