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Israel Requests NATO Help

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

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CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Israel Requests NATO Help

Israel surprised the international community by requesting that NATO troops be sent in to patrol the Lebanon–Israel border. What do you think?
  • "So long as no one clues in the newbie members like Estonia and Latvia that there's a NATO Do-Not-Call List, this should be doable."

    Ian McDonaugh Architect
  • "Didn't Condoleezza Rice just fly all the way to Lebanon? And the problem is still not solved?

    Steve Mott Gift Shop Cashier
  • "Well, we have to pull those troops out of Sudan immediately. You always help the least-brown people first, that's just how it works."

    Silvia Jones Ice Cream Scooper

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