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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Israel Unleashes Assault On Gaza

A day after killing the top military leader of Hamas in an airstrike, Israel responded to a spate of Palestinian rocket attacks by stepping up its assault on Gaza, and the conflict between the two sides has now reached its most violent level in at least four years. What do you think?

  • “This rivalry between Israel and Palestine is starting to get a little out of hand.”

    Lucio Rinella Unemployed
  • “With all our wars winding down, I’m glad to see someone’s still using my tax dollars to kill people.”

    Lolita Soukup Accounts Payable Clerk
  • “Yeesh, just let me know when it’s all over.”

    Alex Ishii Laboratory Assistant

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