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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Israel Unleashes Assault On Gaza

A day after killing the top military leader of Hamas in an airstrike, Israel responded to a spate of Palestinian rocket attacks by stepping up its assault on Gaza, and the conflict between the two sides has now reached its most violent level in at least four years. What do you think?

  • “This rivalry between Israel and Palestine is starting to get a little out of hand.”

    Lucio Rinella Unemployed
  • “With all our wars winding down, I’m glad to see someone’s still using my tax dollars to kill people.”

    Lolita Soukup Accounts Payable Clerk
  • “Yeesh, just let me know when it’s all over.”

    Alex Ishii Laboratory Assistant

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