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Israelis Talk Nukes

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Israelis Talk Nukes

Critics called for the resignation of Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert after he accidentally acknowledged for the first time that Israel had nuclear weapons. What do you think?
  • "But what would they do with a nuclear weapon way out there in the middle of nowhere?"

    Dennis Eichmann Massage Therapist
  • "Now we just have to find out if the Palestinians have that humongous rock they've been hinting about all these years."

    Deborah Jenkins Systems Analyst
  • "It's one thing to exercise strategic ambiguity, but full transparency is absolutely unacceptable."

    Perry DiClaudio Backhoe Operator

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