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Israel's West Bank Wall

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Israel's West Bank Wall

Amid protest from Palestinians, Israel began construction on a 25-foot-tall protection barrier on the edge of Jerusalem. What do you think?
  • "Anyone can tear things down, but it takes someone really special to build things up."

    Joseph Berlin Systems Analyst
  • "A wall is a good start. It's no 'giant lid over the whole fucked-up region.' But it's a start."

    Jeff Lockre Salesman
  • "God, these Jerusalemites. You'd think one famous wall would be enough for them."

    Karla Vanhoose Tailor
  • "As a poet, I see this wall as a metaphor for something—but what?"

    Randolph Bunn Banker
  • "This plan will definitely solve Israel's problems. Unless the Palestinians somehow get their hands on tunnel-digging 'pick and shovel' technology."

    Ed Jin Driver
  • "A wall of steel and concrete may stop the Palestinians from entering certain areas, but it cannot stop the Palestinian heart from soaring. That's what the soldiers are for."

    Nan Hastings Choreographer

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