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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Israel's West Bank Wall

Amid protest from Palestinians, Israel began construction on a 25-foot-tall protection barrier on the edge of Jerusalem. What do you think?
  • "Anyone can tear things down, but it takes someone really special to build things up."

    Joseph Berlin Systems Analyst
  • "A wall is a good start. It's no 'giant lid over the whole fucked-up region.' But it's a start."

    Jeff Lockre Salesman
  • "God, these Jerusalemites. You'd think one famous wall would be enough for them."

    Karla Vanhoose Tailor
  • "As a poet, I see this wall as a metaphor for something—but what?"

    Randolph Bunn Banker
  • "This plan will definitely solve Israel's problems. Unless the Palestinians somehow get their hands on tunnel-digging 'pick and shovel' technology."

    Ed Jin Driver
  • "A wall of steel and concrete may stop the Palestinians from entering certain areas, but it cannot stop the Palestinian heart from soaring. That's what the soldiers are for."

    Nan Hastings Choreographer

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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