Jackson Jurors

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Vol 41 Issue 33

Rumsfeld Makes Surprise Visit To Wife's Vagina

WASHINGTON, DC—Amid rumors of sagging morale on the home front, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld greeted his wife Joyce Monday with an unanticipated visit to her vagina, according to the Pentagon.

County Fair Judges Blown Away By Heifer

ELLENDALE, ND—Dickey County Fair livestock judge Bernard Hodelnutt called a heifer named Bessany "the sort of near-divine creation that inspired Zeus Himself to appear in the form of an amorous bull." "In all my years of cattle judging, I have never beheld such bovine perfection," said Hodelnutt, 52, who first encountered the 2-year-old Brown Swiss at the fairground's stock pavilion Sunday. "My fellow judges and I agree that we are unworthy of assaying such transcendent cowflesh. Our paltry ribbons and trinkets make meager tribute to this demigoddess, who should assume her place beside mighty Taurus in the heavens." After viewing the animal, Hodelnutt and the other judges cast their rating books and badges into a vat of boiling funnel cakes and cut out their own eyes lest they be fouled by the sight of less graceful beasts.

Angelina Jolie Coming For Your Baby

MALIBU, CA—Angelina Jolie has filed for adoption of your newborn baby, sources close to the actress reported Tuesday. "Angelina loves your baby, and you should be honored that she has chosen it," said publicist Jacqueline Silver, citing the growing collection of babies Jolie has culled from families worldwide. "Color, creed, whether your child is wanted—none of it matters. Angelina has fallen in love, and through legal means or force, your baby will soon be hers." Immediately after acquiring your child, Jolie will dress it in Betsey Johnson infant wear, give it a faux-hawk, name it after a random passage from the The Tibetan Book Of The Dead, then resume her relentless search for babies.

Calcutta Fire Marshal: Many Indian Homes Lack Bride Extinguisher

CALCUTTA, INDIA—Failure to own or use a bride extinguisher results in millions of rupees of property damage in India annually, Calcutta fire marshal Prasad Chandra said in a press conference Monday. "This tragedy occurs far too often when well-meaning husbands, attempting to collect on a dowry, ignite their brides indoors. The damage is often compounded when a burning bride attempts to escape and spreads the flames to other homes," Chandra said. "If you absolutely must burn your bride, avoid additional destruction with an affordable bride extinguisher. And, if possible, confine the burning to your backyard bride pit." He also recommended that homeowners install and periodically test marital smoke detectors.

New Pepsi Negative-220 Burns Twice The Calories It Contains

PURCHASE, NY—Joining a field already crowded with such non-caloric beverages as Coke Steam and Hollo Yello, PepsiCo announced the creation Monday of Pepsi Negative-220, a diet cola that burns twice the calories it contains. "You'll love PN-220 for the super-slimming rush of thyrotropin, PC1 enzymes, and that zesty hint of lemony leptin that zaps away fat, muscle tissue, and some nerve sheathing," PepsiCo spokesperson Ned Caen said. "But you'll drink it for that refreshing cola taste." Despite an FDA label warning of potential cardiac arrhythmia, renal shutdown, intestinal necrosis, and spontaneous erosion of the meninges, plans are underway to debut Pepsi Negative-220 in early October. "For radical and uncompromising weight loss, it's the cola," Caen said.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Jackson Jurors

Two jurors in the Michael Jackson molestation trial said they regret acquitting Jackson, and both now have pending book deals. What do you think?
  • "I, for one, am glad these jurors are finally getting a chance to weigh in on the Jackson trial."

    Stephen J. Perrault
    Software Engineer
  • "If these jurors make a lot of money, the jury for the next Jackson molestation trial will be filled with opportunists."

    Madeline Novak
    Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, this is just like 12 Angry Men, except this time, it ends with them letting a child molester go free."

    Susan L. Brady
    Marketing Clerk
  • "Real-life trials have such hackneyed and predictable endings. Where's the creativity?"

    Frederick C. Mish
    First-Line Supervisor
  • "Shouldn't they have known that Jackson was guilty before the trial began?"

    Daniel Hopkins
    Stenographer
  • "This is what happens when a sleazy loonball is tried by a jury of his peers."

    Meil Serven
    Director Of Defining
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