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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Jackson Jurors

Two jurors in the Michael Jackson molestation trial said they regret acquitting Jackson, and both now have pending book deals. What do you think?
  • "I, for one, am glad these jurors are finally getting a chance to weigh in on the Jackson trial."

    Stephen J. Perrault Software Engineer
  • "If these jurors make a lot of money, the jury for the next Jackson molestation trial will be filled with opportunists."

    Madeline Novak Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, this is just like 12 Angry Men, except this time, it ends with them letting a child molester go free."

    Susan L. Brady Marketing Clerk
  • "Real-life trials have such hackneyed and predictable endings. Where's the creativity?"

    Frederick C. Mish First-Line Supervisor
  • "Shouldn't they have known that Jackson was guilty before the trial began?"

    Daniel Hopkins Stenographer
  • "This is what happens when a sleazy loonball is tried by a jury of his peers."

    Meil Serven Director Of Defining
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