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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Jamie Oliver Unearths Joy Division Master Tapes

While renovating the basement of a bank he plans to turn into a restaurant, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver reportedly found $1.7 million in valuables, which included jewelry, New Order and Joy Division master tapes, and a gun. What do you think?

  • "I hope he takes this opportunity to start an amazing Joy Division–themed restaurant."

    Samuel Paice Lift-Slab Operator
  • “Jamie Oliver, you say? And here I thought the Joy Division story couldn’t get any more depressing.”

    Danny Gillian Forge Utility Worker
  • "Two of Britain's greatest exports—Joy Division and Jamie Oliver—have just come together in a veritable explosion of the senses."

    Quinn Glover Restaurant Critic

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