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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Jamie Oliver Unearths Joy Division Master Tapes

While renovating the basement of a bank he plans to turn into a restaurant, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver reportedly found $1.7 million in valuables, which included jewelry, New Order and Joy Division master tapes, and a gun. What do you think?

  • "I hope he takes this opportunity to start an amazing Joy Division–themed restaurant."

    Samuel Paice Lift-Slab Operator
  • “Jamie Oliver, you say? And here I thought the Joy Division story couldn’t get any more depressing.”

    Danny Gillian Forge Utility Worker
  • "Two of Britain's greatest exports—Joy Division and Jamie Oliver—have just come together in a veritable explosion of the senses."

    Quinn Glover Restaurant Critic
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