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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Jamie Oliver Unearths Joy Division Master Tapes

While renovating the basement of a bank he plans to turn into a restaurant, celebrity chef Jamie Oliver reportedly found $1.7 million in valuables, which included jewelry, New Order and Joy Division master tapes, and a gun. What do you think?

  • "I hope he takes this opportunity to start an amazing Joy Division–themed restaurant."

    Samuel Paice Lift-Slab Operator
  • “Jamie Oliver, you say? And here I thought the Joy Division story couldn’t get any more depressing.”

    Danny Gillian Forge Utility Worker
  • "Two of Britain's greatest exports—Joy Division and Jamie Oliver—have just come together in a veritable explosion of the senses."

    Quinn Glover Restaurant Critic

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