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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Janet Yellen Nominated As First Female Fed Chief

President Obama nominated Janet Yellen, the current vice chairperson of the Federal Reserve, to replace Ben Bernanke as the head of the nation’s central bank, which would make her the first woman to hold the position, provided she passes her Senate confirmation. What do you think?

  • “This is so exciting and boring.”

    Hannah Mason Systems Analyst
  • “And perhaps someday all women can be the Fed chief.”

    Richmond Kurland Log Chipper Operator
  • “I look forward to making a villain out of her.”

    Brick Sartor Golf Club Assembler

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