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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Janet Yellen Nominated As First Female Fed Chief

President Obama nominated Janet Yellen, the current vice chairperson of the Federal Reserve, to replace Ben Bernanke as the head of the nation’s central bank, which would make her the first woman to hold the position, provided she passes her Senate confirmation. What do you think?

  • “This is so exciting and boring.”

    Hannah Mason Systems Analyst
  • “And perhaps someday all women can be the Fed chief.”

    Richmond Kurland Log Chipper Operator
  • “I look forward to making a villain out of her.”

    Brick Sartor Golf Club Assembler
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