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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Japan Launches Talking Robot Into Space

The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency launched into space a 13-inch talking robot named Kirobo, which will join the crew of the International Space Station and will be used to study how robots can provide emotional support to people kept in isolation for long periods. What do you think?

  • “How far we’ve come from the days of Rudy, the sock puppet who entertained the crew of Apollo 11 on their long journey.”

    Brad Bokebza Chemistry Professor
  • “I can already see where this is headed: 16-inch robots.”

    Alexis Duvic Graphic Designer
  • “Sometimes you just need someone to hug your leg.”

    Aaron Monsour Condom Manufacturer

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