Japanese Cars On Top

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

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Japanese Cars On Top

Every automobile in Consumer Reports’ list of the top 10 cars in the U.S. is Japanese-made. What do you think?
  • "As a GM employee, I'm stunned. I thought all the hard work and long hours I put in badmouthing the Japanese would have some effect."

    Grant Hayes
    Office-Supply Salesman
  • "Hey, Hiroshima, Consumer Reports—you win some, you lose some."

    Mavis Brown
    Student
  • "I got my 1980s county-fair Jap-car-smashing sledgehammer out of storage. Just point me to the right parking lot."

    Eric Hessler
    Creative Director