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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Japanese Fans: New Godzilla Too Fat

According to the Japanese Times, die-hard Godzilla fans are complaining that the monster in the new Hollywood remake of the classic 1954 film looks too fat, with many users joking that the giant reptile has eaten too much American food. What do you think?

  • “Sorry if we like a little meat on our monsters.”

    Jackson Cahn Biochemical Engineer
  • “Well, they say the camera adds at least 50,000,000 pounds.”

    Stanley Rundles RV Salesman
  • “I just hope I look that good when I’m 60 years old.”

    Sylvia Lang Marketing Adviser

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