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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Jeff Sessions Proposes Reviving D.A.R.E. Program

Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly wants to revive the 1983 Drug Abuse Resistance Education program, although many studies have questioned its effectiveness. What do you think?

  • “A hip, charismatic rockstar like Jeff Sessions could be just the thing to get teens interested in anti-drug education again.”

    Mark Tanouye Bottle Pressurizer
  • “Shouldn’t we at least fail at a couple more new ideas before going back to something we already know doesn’t work?”

    Patrick Scollins Mail Thief
  • “Why not? It kept me off the junk between fifth and seventh grade.”

    Johanna Levy Part-Time Castellan

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