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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Jeff Sessions Proposes Reviving D.A.R.E. Program

Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly wants to revive the 1983 Drug Abuse Resistance Education program, although many studies have questioned its effectiveness. What do you think?

  • “A hip, charismatic rockstar like Jeff Sessions could be just the thing to get teens interested in anti-drug education again.”

    Mark Tanouye Bottle Pressurizer
  • “Shouldn’t we at least fail at a couple more new ideas before going back to something we already know doesn’t work?”

    Patrick Scollins Mail Thief
  • “Why not? It kept me off the junk between fifth and seventh grade.”

    Johanna Levy Part-Time Castellan

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