adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jeff Sessions Proposes Reviving D.A.R.E. Program

Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly wants to revive the 1983 Drug Abuse Resistance Education program, although many studies have questioned its effectiveness. What do you think?

  • “A hip, charismatic rockstar like Jeff Sessions could be just the thing to get teens interested in anti-drug education again.”

    Mark Tanouye Bottle Pressurizer
  • “Shouldn’t we at least fail at a couple more new ideas before going back to something we already know doesn’t work?”

    Patrick Scollins Mail Thief
  • “Why not? It kept me off the junk between fifth and seventh grade.”

    Johanna Levy Part-Time Castellan

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close