adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Jen And Vince Split

People magazine reports that Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. What do you think?
  • “Well, she traded down from Brad Pitt to Vince Vaughn, so I’d warn Ralph Macchio to look out.”

    Leanne Benning Zoo Attendant
  • “With a clunky portmanteau like Vincennifer, the two clearly had no future.”

    Tyler Samuels Surveyor
  • “Thank you so much for telling me. I'd hate to make some kind of faux pas if I were to run into them tomorrow at Wal-Mart.”

    Hector Hernandez Systems Analyst

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close