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Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

Perplexed local man Russell Chambliss has no idea if the coworkers seated with him at Malone’s Irish Tavern are attempting to forge a male bond with him or cruelly harassing him, the 26-year-old shipping clerk told reporters Wednesday evening.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Jessica Biel Searches Infectious

According to a study by McAfee, 20 percent of all searches for actress Jessica Biel will return results infected with a virus or malware. What do you think?
  • "I choose to focus on the other 80 percent that return photos of a nice-looking woman with a phenomenal publicist and a fairly catchy name."

    Charlie Biggin Meter Reader
  • "What about combing through her garbage for a memento of some kind? That's harmless, right?"

    Kevin Pozner Labor Organizer
  • "Once I did a web search on Stephen Hawking, and my PC instantly gained 850 terabytes of memory and a 3-D holographic touch-screen interface."

    Charlotte Haber UPS Driver
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