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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Jessica Simpson Has Baby

Former reality TV star Jessica Simpson gave birth to a 9-pound, 13-ounce daughter, Maxwell Drew Johnson, on Tuesday. What do you think?

  • "Jessica looks great ever since she lost those last few pounds of baby."

    Laurie MacColl Systems Analyst
  • "Remember when Beyoncé gave birth just a few months ago? That was also boring."

    Jeffrey Warbeck Grease Buffer
  • "I congratulate Jessica and her fiancé. But please tell me she had a C-section, so that her vagina remains comely and supple."

    Neal Monreale Weight Bulker

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