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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Jets Cheerleaders Awarded $325,000 In Settlement

The New York Jets have paid the team’s cheerleaders $325,000 after a class-action lawsuit was filed over low wages, with plaintiffs claiming they only made $150 per game and were compensated for neither practice time nor expenses, all of which averaged out to $1.50 per hour. What do you think?

  • “That’s good. It just doesn’t feel right to be ogling underpaid women.”

    Craig Huber Corporate Mortician
  • “How can the NFL be expected to pay cheerleaders more than $150 per game when they have to set so much aside for concussion settlements?”

    Brett Boyer Barber’s Apprentice
  • “They should be doing this for the love of the game, just like the players.”

    Melinda Hassey Cracker Salter
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