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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Jets Cheerleaders Awarded $325,000 In Settlement

The New York Jets have paid the team’s cheerleaders $325,000 after a class-action lawsuit was filed over low wages, with plaintiffs claiming they only made $150 per game and were compensated for neither practice time nor expenses, all of which averaged out to $1.50 per hour. What do you think?

  • “That’s good. It just doesn’t feel right to be ogling underpaid women.”

    Craig Huber Corporate Mortician
  • “How can the NFL be expected to pay cheerleaders more than $150 per game when they have to set so much aside for concussion settlements?”

    Brett Boyer Barber’s Apprentice
  • “They should be doing this for the love of the game, just like the players.”

    Melinda Hassey Cracker Salter

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