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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Jimmy John’s Requiring Sandwich Makers To Sign Non-Compete Clause

Sandwich chain Jimmy John’s has been requiring employees to sign a non-compete clause prohibiting them from making sandwiches at competing restaurants that sell “submarine, hero-type, deli-style, pita and/or wrapped or rolled sandwiches” in order to safeguard trade secrets. What do you think?

  • “You can’t be too careful when you’ve got a sandwich called ‘Totally Tuna.’”

    Kara Webster Strap Fastener
  • “The sandwich biz is cutthroat. You can come out with a great new sub on Monday, and by the end of the week it’s already been reverse-engineered by your competitors.”

    Sam Patrick Seasonal Goods Stocker
  • “They left a pretty big loophole open for employees who want to make hoagies, grinders, or po’ boys.”

    Ben Gutierrez Badge Issuer

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