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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Jimmy John’s Requiring Sandwich Makers To Sign Non-Compete Clause

Sandwich chain Jimmy John’s has been requiring employees to sign a non-compete clause prohibiting them from making sandwiches at competing restaurants that sell “submarine, hero-type, deli-style, pita and/or wrapped or rolled sandwiches” in order to safeguard trade secrets. What do you think?

  • “You can’t be too careful when you’ve got a sandwich called ‘Totally Tuna.’”

    Kara Webster Strap Fastener
  • “The sandwich biz is cutthroat. You can come out with a great new sub on Monday, and by the end of the week it’s already been reverse-engineered by your competitors.”

    Sam Patrick Seasonal Goods Stocker
  • “They left a pretty big loophole open for employees who want to make hoagies, grinders, or po’ boys.”

    Ben Gutierrez Badge Issuer
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