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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Joblessness Not A Factor In Stimulus Money

A survey of the distribution of federal stimulus money reveals that states with the highest unemployment are among those receiving the least recovery funding. What do you think?

  • "That makes sense. It's just like with the regular distribution of money."

    Kayla Jones System Analyst
  • "If they wanted money they'd get a promotion like me. Did you get my e-mail about my promotion?"

    Dustin Reynolds Vice President of Sales
  • "Hey! I didn't want to hear any specifics about what the government was going to do with the money when they passed the stimulus, and I certainly don't want to hear any now."

    Josh Walters Mock-Up Builder

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