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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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John Lennon's Murderer Denied Parole

For the seventh time in 12 years, Mark David Chapman, the man who shot John Lennon dead outside the music legend’s New York City apartment building in 1980, was denied parole by the New York Department of Corrections. What do you think?

  • “Gosh, those corrections officers must really have something against murderers.”

    Saul Petzoldt Test Baker
  • “I think if John Lennon were alive today, he’d say they should let Chapman go free. But that would mean he would never have been murdered in the first place, so you see how complicated it gets when you’re dealing with time travel.”

    Carrie Ramos Systems Analyst
  • “He’d be free by now if he’d taken out Ringo.”

    Curt Fey Musical String Maker

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