adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

John Lennon's Murderer Denied Parole

For the seventh time in 12 years, Mark David Chapman, the man who shot John Lennon dead outside the music legend’s New York City apartment building in 1980, was denied parole by the New York Department of Corrections. What do you think?

  • “Gosh, those corrections officers must really have something against murderers.”

    Saul Petzoldt Test Baker
  • “I think if John Lennon were alive today, he’d say they should let Chapman go free. But that would mean he would never have been murdered in the first place, so you see how complicated it gets when you’re dealing with time travel.”

    Carrie Ramos Systems Analyst
  • “He’d be free by now if he’d taken out Ringo.”

    Curt Fey Musical String Maker

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close