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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
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JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon informed investors that a series of risky positions in synthetic credit securities had resulted in a $2 billion loss for the company. What do you think?

  • "I like that crazy, freewheeling, shoot-from-the-hip style. I think I'll get one of their debit cards."

    Keri Burns Systems Analyst
  • "And just when I was falling in love with our nation’s commercial financial institutions again."

    Alex Hardesty Gas Leak Inspector
  • "Double or nothing, Jamie! Otherwise, you'd better slink off to equities with all the other pussies."

    Richard Danziger Hedge Fund Manager

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