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JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon informed investors that a series of risky positions in synthetic credit securities had resulted in a $2 billion loss for the company. What do you think?

  • "I like that crazy, freewheeling, shoot-from-the-hip style. I think I'll get one of their debit cards."

    Keri Burns Systems Analyst
  • "And just when I was falling in love with our nation’s commercial financial institutions again."

    Alex Hardesty Gas Leak Inspector
  • "Double or nothing, Jamie! Otherwise, you'd better slink off to equities with all the other pussies."

    Richard Danziger Hedge Fund Manager

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