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JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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JPMorgan Loses $2 Billion

JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon informed investors that a series of risky positions in synthetic credit securities had resulted in a $2 billion loss for the company. What do you think?

  • "I like that crazy, freewheeling, shoot-from-the-hip style. I think I'll get one of their debit cards."

    Keri Burns Systems Analyst
  • "And just when I was falling in love with our nation’s commercial financial institutions again."

    Alex Hardesty Gas Leak Inspector
  • "Double or nothing, Jamie! Otherwise, you'd better slink off to equities with all the other pussies."

    Richard Danziger Hedge Fund Manager

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