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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Judge Blocks New York City’s Soda Ban

Just one day before the rule was set to go into effect in New York City, a state justice blocked Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s controversial regulation banning the sale of sodas and other sugary beverages over 16 ounces. What do you think?

  • “Honey, pack your bags. The New York trip is back on!”

    Roy Ivernel Bicycle Assembler
  • “So I drank all those two-liters last night for nothing?”

    Beatrice Ross Unemployed
  • “Well, there goes my Pepsi speakeasy.”

    Anthony Gilhooly Feather Separator

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