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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Judge Blocks New York City’s Soda Ban

Just one day before the rule was set to go into effect in New York City, a state justice blocked Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s controversial regulation banning the sale of sodas and other sugary beverages over 16 ounces. What do you think?

  • “Honey, pack your bags. The New York trip is back on!”

    Roy Ivernel Bicycle Assembler
  • “So I drank all those two-liters last night for nothing?”

    Beatrice Ross Unemployed
  • “Well, there goes my Pepsi speakeasy.”

    Anthony Gilhooly Feather Separator
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