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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Judge Halts Embryonic Stem Cell Research

A judge issued a temporary injunction Monday that has cut off federal funding of research involving embryonic stem cells. What do you think?

  • "What's the big deal about saving these embryos? They're just going to be thrown away and then die like anyone else."

    Randy Callaway Unemployed
  • "You mean all this time I could have been getting federal funding for my stem cell research?"

    Tom Knighton Biologist
  • "Good, maybe now that paraplegic Anderson at work won't be so goddamned cocky anymore.”

    Louise Gipp Quality Assurance Agent
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