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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Judge: Insane Clown Posse Juggalos Can Be Classified As Gang

A federal judge has thrown out a lawsuit brought by fans of the rap-rock group Insane Clown Posse that alleged being listed in a 2011 FBI report on gangs has led to unfair targeting by police, finding that the federal government was not responsible for how local authorities used a national report. What do you think?

  • “This decision is going to have huge ramifications all the way from Ortonville, Michigan to Dundee, Michigan.”

    Shelby Vance Volunteer Concierge
  • “Who knew gangsters were so litigious?”

    Alan Lapple Bear Mogul
  • “I hope this doesn’t lead to Juggalos being ostracized from mainstream society.”

    Ken Gunther Unemployed

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