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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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July Was Hottest Month Ever In U.S.

With an average temperature of 77.6 degrees throughout the contiguous United States, last month was officially the nation’s hottest on record, breaking the previous all-time high set in July 1936 during the height of the Dust Bowl. What do you think?

  • “Are we sure this isn’t just part of the earth’s natural cycle of heating up to unprecedented levels?”

    Luis Massalas Microfilm Processor
  • “If we’re able to keep shattering records like this, there’s no telling what our society can achieve.”

    Debbie Silvestri Ornamental Metal Worker
  • “Good, there’s a massive polar ice cap blocking my driveway, and I can’t wait until it melts.”

    Chase Villard Jeweler
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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