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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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July Was Hottest Month Ever In U.S.

With an average temperature of 77.6 degrees throughout the contiguous United States, last month was officially the nation’s hottest on record, breaking the previous all-time high set in July 1936 during the height of the Dust Bowl. What do you think?

  • “Are we sure this isn’t just part of the earth’s natural cycle of heating up to unprecedented levels?”

    Luis Massalas Microfilm Processor
  • “If we’re able to keep shattering records like this, there’s no telling what our society can achieve.”

    Debbie Silvestri Ornamental Metal Worker
  • “Good, there’s a massive polar ice cap blocking my driveway, and I can’t wait until it melts.”

    Chase Villard Jeweler

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