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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Jury: Peterson Deserves Death

Last week, jurors recommended that Scott Peterson be sentenced to death for murdering his pregnant wife, Laci. What do you think?
  • "Let this be a warning to psychopaths with photogenic wives everywhere."

    Pedro Fernandez Baggage Porter
  • "What about Laci's fetus' potential children, and those childrens' children? Folks, this was way more than a double-homicide."

    Derrick Watts Systems Analyst
  • "What's going on? I've been busy trying to keep up with the thousands of other murders that took place this year. I'm a bit out of the loop on the Peterson case."

    Sherry Morrison Cashier
  • "This story had everything—sex, death, and now death once again. I would've appreciated some more sex, also."

    Rich Hale Bartender
  • "What am I supposed to tell my daughter when she asks, 'Why do exhaustively drawn-out things happen to bad people?'"

    Warren Jacobs Ship Captain
  • "Finally, the death of little Connor, the fetus with no personality, will be avenged."

    Florence Norris Cardiologist
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