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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Justice Department Rejects Texas Voter ID Law

The U.S. Department of Justice blocked a Texas law requiring voters to present a state-issued photo ID before casting a ballot, saying it unfairly discriminated against Hispanics. What do you think?

  • "This law seems redundant, anyway. Can't Texans see for themselves without photo IDs which individuals are minorities who should be intimidated from going to the polls?"

    Kathy Wakeling Sterilizer
  • "I agree. The sensitive, melancholic constitution of the Hispanic is far too delicate for the rigors of waiting in a DMV office."

    Tyler Epkins Systems Analyst
  • “The Justice Department is setting a clear double standard: It’s not okay to discriminate against Hispanics, but it is okay to discriminate against racist whites who don’t want Hispanics to vote?”

    Bob Lothian Cook-Box Filler

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