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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Justice Department Sues 2 Polygamous Communities

The U.S. Department of Justice is suing the communities of Colorado City, AZ and Hildale, UT, alleging a pattern of discrimination against residents who do not belong to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What do you think?

  • “As a resident of Hildale and a nonmember of this overbearing church, the real question is, what the fuck am I doing here?”

    Jennifer Roeder Systems Analyst
  • “The people in those towns just need to lie in job interviews and say they have a few more wives than they do.”

    Jason Janosch Systems Analyst
  • “It’s about time. Now when are we going after those people who won’t use zippers?”

    Joe Garden Features Editor

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