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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Justice Department Sues 2 Polygamous Communities

The U.S. Department of Justice is suing the communities of Colorado City, AZ and Hildale, UT, alleging a pattern of discrimination against residents who do not belong to the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What do you think?

  • “As a resident of Hildale and a nonmember of this overbearing church, the real question is, what the fuck am I doing here?”

    Jennifer Roeder Systems Analyst
  • “The people in those towns just need to lie in job interviews and say they have a few more wives than they do.”

    Jason Janosch Systems Analyst
  • “It’s about time. Now when are we going after those people who won’t use zippers?”

    Joe Garden Features Editor
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