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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Justice Scalia Dies

The death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has led to discussion of his potential replacement, whom President Obama intends to nominate this year despite Mitch McConnell’s insistence that they be selected by the next president in 2017. What do you think?

  • “So, what did Obama do after he heard McConnell’s idea? Did he go for that?”

    Harold Lemon Staple Packager
  • “If Obama has any sense of decorum he’ll appoint Scalia’s eldest son to replace him.”

    Lou Ferrell Illusion Specialist
  • “I just think it’s insensitive to be having this discussion now. Can’t it wait until they’re all together at the funeral?”

    Amanda Shelton Checklist Provider

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