Justice Thomas Marks 5 Years Of Court Silence

Top Headlines

Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, techn...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Justice Thomas Marks 5 Years Of Court Silence

Next week will mark the fifth anniversary of the last time Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke aloud while hearing a case. What do you think?  

  • "I never thought of Clarence Thomas as a mysterious bad boy with a dark past, but now that he's not speaking, I can't help but want to know more. Wow. He's good."

    Alex Brill Fiberglass Laminator
  • "It's a shame, because that Georgian man's voice sounds so elegant, sounds like it's been greased with butter and danced with till midnight."

    Paula Kirby Sales Agent
  • "Hey, cut us a break. We had to install that model in ’91. Back then you could either have a realistic looking Supreme Court Justicebot or one that could talk, but not both."

    Jeff Chung Robotics Designer

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close