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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Justin Bieber Accused Of Assaulting Neighbor

Police responded to reports yesterday that Justin Bieber threatened and attacked his neighbor after the latter voiced concerns that the 19-year-old pop star had been unsafely speeding through the neighborhood while testing out a newly delivered Ferrari. What do you think?

  • “Wow. I can’t believe a kid who’s received that much attention all his life could act so spoiled.”

    Gustavo Sparado Fish Seller
  • “Can’t the neighbor just be cool and think back to when he was 19 and was delivered Ferraris?”

    Jim Kressel Optical Engineer
  • “Well, how did the car drive?”

    Lucy Hartung Systems Analyst

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