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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Justin Bieber Apologizes To Clinton For Insults

Following the release of a video showing Justin Bieber urinating in a restaurant mop bucket and saying “Fuck Bill Clinton,” the Canadian pop star reached out to the former president and apologized for his behavior, tweeting yesterday that the two had spoken personally and that Clinton was a “great guy.” What do you think?

  • “Sounds like the poor kid just needed some attention.”

    Beth Ochman Waterway Traffic Checker
  • “I say all kinds of crazy stuff when I’m peeing in my bucket.”

    Craig Winokur Payroll Auditor
  • “I’m just glad that’s settled.”

    Jason Andrews Ice Crusher

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