Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI, Drag Racing

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Vol 50 Issue 03

Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in...

Lunchbox Mostly Medication

Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication.

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI, Drag Racing

Nineteen-year-old pop icon Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach, FL this morning on charges that he drag raced a Lamborghini down a residential street and then failed a field sobriety test, with each offense potentially netting Bieber up to six months of jail time. What do you think?

  • “See, this is what happens when the public doesn’t pay attention to Justin Bieber enough.”

    Nadia Giardino
    Off-Campus Housing Director
  • “He strikes me as someone who would do well in jail.”

    James Hooper
    Unemployed
  • “But what about all those adorable songs he wrote about being in perfect mental health?”

    Terry Shaffer
    Leather Finisher
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