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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Justin Bieber Arrested For DUI, Drag Racing

Nineteen-year-old pop icon Justin Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach, FL this morning on charges that he drag raced a Lamborghini down a residential street and then failed a field sobriety test, with each offense potentially netting Bieber up to six months of jail time. What do you think?

  • “See, this is what happens when the public doesn’t pay attention to Justin Bieber enough.”

    Nadia Giardino Off-Campus Housing Director
  • “He strikes me as someone who would do well in jail.”

    James Hooper Unemployed
  • “But what about all those adorable songs he wrote about being in perfect mental health?”

    Terry Shaffer Leather Finisher

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