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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub

Pop star Justin Bieber was baptized in a friend’s bathtub this weekend after weeks of Bible study and church services, with celebrity blogs reporting that the 20-year-old sought spiritual guidance in an attempt to wash away his sins following a scandal in which videos emerged of him using racial slurs. What do you think?

  • “Oh my God! Can I lick the tub?”

    Kim Perkins Graduate Student
  • “Great, now my teenage daughter’s going to be begging me for $300 so she can reaffirm her devotion to God, too.”

    David Clennon Systems Analyst
  • “Never let it be said that Bieber’s PR people aren’t bringing new ideas to the table.”

    Scott McShane Curriculum Approver

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