Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub

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Vol 50 Issue 23

Study: ‘Cool Kids’ Struggle As Adults

According to a decade-long study that tracked hundreds of teenagers into adulthood, students who were considered “cool kids” in middle school turned out to have more problems as adults, such as substance abuse and criminal behavior.

Facebook Lifts Ban On Breastfeeding Photos

After drawing criticism for prohibiting photos of breastfeeding mothers under its no-nipples policy, Facebook has quietly lifted the ban and started allowing mothers to post breastfeeding photos without risk of removal, though all other pictures of nipple...

God’s Will Only Thing Keeping AC Unit In Window

States offer millions in tax breaks to any person who says ‘high-tech jobs,’ a child is entertained for five minutes by a toy that will take 1 million years to biodegrade, and God’s will is the only thing keeping an AC unit in a window.

Aunt Enters Ninth Year Of Raving About ‘Wicked’

OGDENSBURG, NY—Praising its vibrant visual effects and declaring multiple songs “absolute showstoppers,” local aunt Treena Warner, 53, informed extended family members for the ninth consecutive year that the Broadway musical Wicked...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Justin Bieber Baptized In NYC Bathtub

Pop star Justin Bieber was baptized in a friend’s bathtub this weekend after weeks of Bible study and church services, with celebrity blogs reporting that the 20-year-old sought spiritual guidance in an attempt to wash away his sins following a scandal in which videos emerged of him using racial slurs. What do you think?

  • “Oh my God! Can I lick the tub?”

    Kim Perkins
    Graduate Student
  • “Great, now my teenage daughter’s going to be begging me for $300 so she can reaffirm her devotion to God, too.”

    David Clennon
    Systems Analyst
  • “Never let it be said that Bieber’s PR people aren’t bringing new ideas to the table.”

    Scott McShane
    Curriculum Approver
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