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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Justin Bieber Wishes Anne Frank Had Been ‘Belieber’

While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, pop star Justin Bieber wrote in the museum’s guestbook that the famous diarist and Holocaust victim was a “great girl” and that he hoped “she would have been a Belieber,” using a common term for his fans. What do you think?

  • “Who cares? I’ve been telling people Anne Frank would have loved my carpet-cleaning business for years.”

    Ty Richards Carpet Cleaner
  • “Thank God. I visited the Anne Frank House that same day, and I wrote something far more offensive.”

    Wilbert McBride Systems Analyst
  • “Let the haters hate, but if this stops one Bieber fan from rounding up and slaughtering a Jewish family it’ll all be worth it.”

    Misha Trumbull Casino Dealer

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