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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Justin Bieber Wishes Anne Frank Had Been ‘Belieber’

While visiting the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, pop star Justin Bieber wrote in the museum’s guestbook that the famous diarist and Holocaust victim was a “great girl” and that he hoped “she would have been a Belieber,” using a common term for his fans. What do you think?

  • “Who cares? I’ve been telling people Anne Frank would have loved my carpet-cleaning business for years.”

    Ty Richards Carpet Cleaner
  • “Thank God. I visited the Anne Frank House that same day, and I wrote something far more offensive.”

    Wilbert McBride Systems Analyst
  • “Let the haters hate, but if this stops one Bieber fan from rounding up and slaughtering a Jewish family it’ll all be worth it.”

    Misha Trumbull Casino Dealer
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